Less than a month until my brother arrives, along with millions of Chinese people all coming to marvel at the capital and take part in the 70th anniversary of the founding of the CPC. Oh joy…
I should have noped right out of this one when she said, “I write comics about weird guys I go on dates with.” Well, here is me as a comic after two dates with this girl in June 2018. Guess it took her awhile to get me just right. The comic is in Chinese and it’s largely about how I told her my idea for a picture book about the funny things that farmers do in China. I guess she didn’t find it as amusing as me.
After this was brought to my attention, I thought “next time someone asks me about Beijing, or the people here, I should just keep my mouth shut.” However, after thinking about it, I shouldn’t let the fear of being turned into a comic again deter me from speaking my mind.
We didn’t kiss, cancel plans, or even fight when we went out. But I guess she needed some content for her site and I ticked the boxes. I didn’t know I could look like an asshole in comic form, but here you go, for your viewing pleasure. Oh, and my name in the comic is “迪克” - “Di Ke” - sounds like “dick” — very clever.
Where do people even get shirts like this?
The Chinese says “My House”
Since I broke up with my ex in October 2016, I’ve given the dating game in Beijing a shot and it’s been a whirlwind of funny/awkward situations, and moments where I can’t even think of how to respond. Here are some of the more “interesting” things that have happened while on a date
Her: Let’s grab dinner at 6 on Saturday
Me: Sounds good!
In the restaurant on Saturday
Me: I’m starving, you hungry?
Her: No, I ate an hour ago
Me: Umm, I thought we had dinner plans
Her: Ya, but I was hungry an hour ago and didn’t want to wait. It’s ok, I’ll watch you eat
Me: So, drinks on Friday?
Her: Ya, perfect.
At the bar
Me: I think I’ll grab a beer. You?
Her: Oh, actually, I don’t drink, but I am so hungry, I think I’ll get Pho
So I sit there, drinking beer, listening to her slurp up Pho while puffing on a vape every other bite and blowing it right across the table. Before I can even start to wonder how I get myself in these situations, she says:
Her: Do you want to buy a vape? I sell them, it’s my side business
Me: Thanks for the offer, but I’m all set
Her: No worries! Anyway, it’s so nice of you to buy me Pho
Me: Sorry, what gives you the impression that I’m buying your food?
Her: That’s how it works, guys always pay
I’ve gotta start vetting these girls better before agreeing to go out
Her: Oh my gosh, this mojito is so strong
Me: You can order something else if you want
Her: No, it’s ok, I’m just feeling like so drunk already
Me: Alright, well just don’t throw up on me
So we keep talking, and between stories she keeps commenting just how strong the drink is and how’s she feeling drunk and laughing a lot. This is her first drink, so I’m not concerned, but find it odd that she keeps talking about it. After we finish, we head down to the bar and the bartender says “Table 10, one beer and one non-alcoholic mojito”, at which point I turn to the girl and say “Sorry, what the fuck?”
She looks at me and shrugs: I thought you’d like me better if you thought I was drunk
“Don’t Do Scooters”
Me: Hey, so we can meet around 8 at the subway station and I can pick you up on my scooter and then ride to the restaurant
Her: Sounds great!
At the subway
Me: Hey hey, ready to go?
Her: Actually, do you know any places close to here? I don’t do scooters
Me: … I already made a reservation, I thought you said riding on a scooter would be fine
Her: Ya, but I don’t do scooters, too scary
Talking to Chinese girls on Tinder (which you need a VPN for) can be tricky, but there’s one thing for certain - they’ll ask you how tall you are
Her: How tall are you?
Her: Sorry, that’s not enough
Me: What do you prefer?
Me: Out of curiosity, how tall are you?
Me: If you want to date a giraffe, go to the zoo
Me: Hey I’m outside of the KFC where we agreed to meet. Where are you?
Her: I’m inside, hold on a second.
Her: Hey sorry, I was hungry so I got a bunch of stuff.
Me: We are literally headed to a restaurant right now
Her: Ya, but I wanted KFC
This was an event held by the Italian Chamber of Commerce and it did not disappoint. Meats, cheeses, wine, bread - it was perfect.
Had the opportunity to speak at Tsinghua’s 2019 graduation and farewell party. Lots of interesting speeches and congrats to all the grads!